We are here to protect you

[spatch]

Citizens of Davis Square: This is the MBTA. Do not be alarmed. We come in peace.

It has come to our attention that you may think that we are growing lax in our ever-vigilant quest to ensure safety, peace and prevent terrorists from blowing up our one true symbol of freedom: those creepy mime statues in Seven Hills Park and across the street in the square proper. To remedy this situation, you will all be relieved and reassured to know that we have set up a Freedom Checkpoint this morning on the fare collection level of the Davis Square T Stop.

Freedom Officers will be onhand, sitting at the special table we have set up for this purpose and also standing in front of the Charlie gates, conducting completely random and in no way arbitrary Freedom Searches of your personal possessions. This is for your own safety. It is for your own good. We cannot afford to let another domestic terrorist slip through our fingers, just like the last time when... the last time when... well, if we had let one slip through our fingers, you can bet we wouldn't let it happen again!

When approached by one of our friendly, official-looking Freedom Officers, dressed in black and toting impressive amounts of Peacekeeping Gear, please adhere to the following guidelines:

1. Do not be alarmed. This instills panic among your fellow passengers and makes you look like a suspect.
2. Say "Yes, sir" and "No, sir" to the nice officers. Using impolite language makes you look like a suspect.
3. Obligingly offer your bag, your purse, and any other personal containers you may have for inspection and explosives swabbing. What with the large amounts of explosives being shuttled through Davis Square Station on a daily basis, it is imperative we confiscate as much of it as possible. Not being obligingly compliant makes you look like a suspect.
4. Do not complain that setting a Freedom Checkpoint up at a subway station in the middle of morning rush is a waste of time, or that it's nothing but security theater. Disparaging our efforts to make sure you are safe for yourself and others is spitting in the faces of Uncle Sam, Lady Liberty, and a bald eagle, and will make you look like a suspect. And besides, being late for work is a small sacrifice to pay for national security.
5. Expect that with full compliance, a precedent will be set for more random bag searches at various checkpoints in the future, so print out a list of these guidelines and take them with you everywhere. Failure to remember that we are doing this will make you look like a suspect.
6. Don't even think about taking photographs of anything or anyone on MBTA property. Only suspects take pictures.

In short, suspects, please be reassured that we at the MBTA respect you and your freedoms highly, and it is only for your safety and security that we consider you all guilty until proven innocent. Maybe someday we will crack down on actual crimes committed on MBTA property, from the guy who sells you a copy of Spare Change only to give you a free copy of the Metro in return to the kids who make furtive drug deals underneath the staircases when they think nobody is watching, but until then, we consider you, the commuters, the monthly passholders, the riding populace, to be the suspects. You scum. We'll get you if it's the last thing we do.

And remember, if you are truly innocent, well, then you have nothing to hide... but we'll be the judge of that.


Yours,

Jack Boots
Freedom Officer at Large

Comments

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sometimes I think about that too.

"What's this?"

"It's a dildo, officer."

"Um...and these?"

"Nipple clamps, sir. You put them on your nipples."

[lbmango.livejournal.com]

WIN

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

I certainly do.

[hissilliness.livejournal.com]

Tuesdays? Don't be ridiculous. I save that for Rubber Chicken Thursday.

[spatch]

I'm sorry, federal regulations state that you can only carry three ounces of lube in a clear plastic container.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

If you really want to weird them out, you're probably better off carrying a Bible, a set of rosary beads, and a copy of "Nickel Between My Knees: A Modern Girl's Guide to Chastity".

This is Davis after all; I'll bet dildos are a dime a dozen.

[lbmango.livejournal.com]

No, you carry those three things *AND* a dildo, and maybe a pair of hand cuffs.

[infinitehotel.livejournal.com]

But then you've got to be dressed like this:

[lbmango.livejournal.com]

I have to be dressed invisibly???eep

[pierceheart.livejournal.com]

slow, very slow image loading http://images.inmagine.com/168nwm/digitalvision/dvs017/dvs017956.jpg

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Yes, this!

[spatch]

I'll bet dildos are a dime a dozen.

"...and I wanna meet the person who's carryin the dimes."

I thought it'd be great to advance the ol' dildo-in-the-bag trick a bit further by unashamedly and unabashedly describing it as if you were giving a sales pitch to the officers.

"This one we call The Penetrator 9000, and you can probably see why. Definitely not for the faint of heart or the narrow of orifice! Note the realistic-looking veins around the shaft, the oversized head for shallow thrusting and the super-large bottom flange which keeps it safe for insertion into any opening you'd like. The silicone construction adjusts quickly to body temperature and makes cleaning a snap. Does that answer your question?"

[head58.livejournal.com]

"Of course it's company policy never to, imply ownership in the event of a dildo... always use the indefinite article: *a* dildo, never *your* dildo."

[badseed1980.livejournal.com]

Never, ever say, "Your dildo turned itself on."

[heartxbroadcast.livejournal.com]

yessss fight club reference (: