A concern regarding a previous post

[molyflogs.livejournal.com]

Please, forgive me if this is out of line, and by all means, feel free to delete it or ask me to. I'm really not sure if this is appropriate or not, so I'm going for it and hoping for the best.

A couple of days ago, I posted to the community offering a few coupons and a sample of infant formula that I got in the mail, but do not want. I know and understand that breast feeding is a hot button issue with a few people, and I expected a little discussion. That's fine and good.

What I did NOT expect was four separate PMs from people essentially telling me that I am an awful person for offering to give these things to people, rather than throwing them away. Well, one of them wasn't quite so... vicious, and instead URGED me to just throw them away, but in the others, I was called everything from a "formula company shill" to an "anti-feminist" to "a person who clearly finds no value in the bond between a mother and her baby."

Come on, people. I'm nothing more than a woman who is 38 weeks pregnant, received something in the mail I thought someone else might find some value in, and thought I'd do something nice by offering to pass it on to someone who might need or want it. I really DO appreciate those of you who sent me supportive messages, offering lactation consulting or referral to such a service, should I need it. I, however, think it's pretty out of line for people to jump down my throat over what was nothing more than what I thought was a nice freebie to someone who wanted it, given that I did not have any use for it.

I'm sorry if my posting the other day offended anyone. It wasn't my intention. That said, some of the responses I received were wholly out of line, and I urge you to think about what you're actually saying to someone, in the context in which is it being said before you jump down their throats and make them feel like they're doing something wrong over something as small as some coupons.

Comments

[molyflogs.livejournal.com]

I think what upset me the most is that people seriously believe that it is their business what someone else chooses to feed their infant. I don't care what folks do. I know and understand that breastfeeding is the best option, and I have every intention of doing so. I think I have a lifetime supply of the stuff already. These puppies are enormous! But what about women who either can't breastfeed or simply choose not to? Someone is not a horrible person because they don't want to breastfeed, and my heart is breaking a little because I think that if they say so in public, they're going to get jumped on even worse than I did for merely offering coupons. :(

[surrealestate.livejournal.com]

It almost makes me wonder if those people got your username confused with the person who started the wildly inappropriate behavior by helpfully informing you that you would fail. I mean, it was practically a caricature of the booby traps (http://www.bestforbabes.org/what-are-the-booby-traps), and I can sort of imagine being sufficiently upset by it to misclick.

So many of my friends in other parts of the country talk about the looks and rude comments they get from people when they nurse in public, and I'm glad I haven't experienced that around here, but it's obnoxious to accost people on the street (or on LJ, for that matter) about their irrelevant-to-you behavior no matter what it is, really. I'm not sure if I've just been very lucky or very oblivious.

[thespian.livejournal.com]

I didnt say that she would fail, by any means. But she said that she was sure she wouldnt need them, though not having breastfed yet and if turned out not to work once the infant was in her arms, she might want the $20 in coupons and the $8 half size sample.

molyflogs seemed to take my advice as it was meant, mostly as the local gets sort of insane for a deal person bringing it up.

I did, sadly, comment that strident breastfeeders (and I dont consider you strident, since you are not making that decision for other people) were around, and I am sad that any of them bothered her, since it *was* a nice thought to share locally, Ive just seen too many of our friends struggle with this to feel that any mother, pre-birth, can be a zillion percent sure that theyll be able to breastfeed.

[bombardiette.livejournal.com]

As a failed BFer who really saw no need for the formula or coupons, I thought the same when I saw the OP, but it certainly didn't occur to me to offer the, "Hey, I failed, you might too, hang on to 'em," speech. To each their own and it was a great gesture.

[canongrrl.livejournal.com]

It's an odd world. Thankfully, outside of the internets, people tend to respect (at least in public) what a person does or does not do. It's amazing how a little anonymity changes people.

In any case, people who got worked up enough to send you PMs really do need to get a life.

With that, enjoy your baby! s/he will be wonderful and amazing and every day will be a new adventure/experience (note I didn't say every day will be good ;-)

[mindstalk.livejournal.com]

Well, there seems to be enough evidence about immune benefits from breastfeeding, that if someone doesn't want to bf for cosmetic or light convenience reasons, say, then some social opprobrium may be appropriate. There's a whole gradient of "is it society's business" from "what do you name the kid" to "do you seek medical care when the child is sick" to "do you even feed and clean the child".

And of course, in the recent past corporate society made it its business to push formula as a mark of Progress! and Science! where it wasn't needed, and a lot of people are still reacting to that, I think.

Of course, if all one knows is that X is using formula, one doesn't know if that's because X couldn't bf adequately, or X would lose her job by doing so, or because X thought it'd be too messy and troublesome, so people shouldn't go judging X.

[intuition-ist.livejournal.com]

given how much of a PITA being a parent seems to be, I say: breastfeed if you wanna, don't if you don't, and ignore the folks who give unwanted advice.

[molyflogs.livejournal.com]

That's how I feel about it. I look forward to breastfeeding, but if, for whatever reason, I can't do it, I really dare someone to mess with me about it. Something tells me that harping to a new parent of a newborn is about as smart as poking an MBTA bus driver.

[maelithil.livejournal.com]

See, I support a woman's right to choose what to do with her own body. And that includes whether or not she decides to breastfeed, even if it's because of, in your opinion, "light convenience reasons". As long as the kid gets fed, she's all good.

[bombardiette.livejournal.com]

The advent of formula significantly decreased infant mortality rates when it was made affordable. As an adopted child, I'm grateful for it. As a mother who in spite of trying her hardest and failed to BF my own daughter, I'm grateful for it.

People like you (and worse) do make me want to kick bunnies though. It doesn't matter why someone can't or doesn't want to breastfeed. Ever. No social opporbium is appropriate when the child is nourished and well fed and cared for.

[mindstalk.livejournal.com]

Even if there's good evidence that the formula child is *not* as well cared for as the breast-fed one, where breast-feeding is a feasible option? Not as healthy, not as smart, longer lasting illnesses, etc.?

[bombardiette.livejournal.com]

You're talking to an exclusively formula fed (former) child who taught herself to read at age 2 (if my mother is to be believed); who never suffered any lasting illness outside of the common flu and occasional ear infection as a child. This was before formula was re-formulated to include the same DHA found in breast milk that's attributed to healthy brain development.

My husband, also formula fed in that same era, could have gone to MIT if he'd chosen to. He chose a different path but strangely, enjoys buying textbooks - and reading them for fun - on theoretical physics.

I'm now the mother of a child who breastfed for only a month and was exclusively formula fed after I failed, who is now just turned 3 and communicates verbally at a first grader's level; who is able to express herself artistically at that same level; who creates intricate stories and acts them out far surpassing her peers imaginative play; and who, BTW, is healthy as a horse and has been her entire short life so far.


Whatever "evidence" you're citing I would love to see as I see no daily evidence of this in our own lives or those of her formula fed friends. So, wrong argument. Try again.

[mindstalk.livejournal.com]

Wikipedia has the references for studies. I'm sure you know that anecdotes aren't data.

[molyflogs.livejournal.com]

Oh, for fuck's sake. Stop trying to make people feel guilty for feeding their children how they choose to. It's seriously, SERIOUSLY none of your damn business.

[mindstalk.livejournal.com]

Is it none of our damn business whether parents vaccinate their children?

The difference between bf and formula is a lot less than the difference between vaccination and not, but there does seem to be a measurable difference on a population level.

[molyflogs.livejournal.com]

That's just a stupid statement. Your kid isn't at any level of risk whatsoever if I feed my kid formula.

[ron_newman]

What a totally ridiculous comparison to make. Vaccination is important because failure to vaccinate causes epidemics.

[bombardiette.livejournal.com]

And I'm sure you know that Wikipedia isn't exactly the source to go to when looking for statistically significant facts.

[incandes-flower.livejournal.com]

Thank you for this comment. I was one of the people who said they would like the coupons. I intended to breastfeed, but my son did not latch and he had trouble gaining weight. I exclusively pumped for quite a while, but never made enough milk so I had to supplement. Unfortunately, I also have chronic illness and ended up having to stop making milk because I needed to take meds to take care of myself. Anyway, to make a long story short, how you feed your baby is subject to many, many factors and it isn't anyone else's business what you do. I'm so sorry that people treated you that way. It seems that mother's can win. I know women who have been judged for nursing in public and those who have been judged for bottle feeding (formula or breastmilk). I wish people could just be kind and supportive to one another.

[incandes-flower.livejournal.com]

Er, mothers can't win. I really should proof read before I post. :)

[pekmez.livejournal.com]

I'm still hanging onto the can of formula I bought during an episode of similar troubles, 8 months ago already. I exclusively pumped, didn't have to feed him the formula in the end, and in my case things got better, he got willing to latch again, and is now a giant. But he's not yet 1 and if my milk suddenly vanished overnight he'd not be able to make do with cow's milk just yet, and I'm not yet over the whole episode enough to just get rid of it.
It won't expire for a month or two after his birthday...