Jealous kittens

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

It seems Nicholas and Humphrey are dismayed at being left out of the current debacle.

Comments

[plumtreeblossom.livejournal.com]

[miss-chance.livejournal.com]

BRILLIANT!

[infinitemorning.livejournal.com]

Humphrey T. Cat
1138 Davis Square Lane
Livejournal, The Internets 01011

CONFIDENTIAL SETTLEMENT OFFER UNDER THE THIRD AMENDMENT TO THE UNITED STATES CONSTITUTION.

Mr. Cat:

This letter is in regard to your several comments at http://davis-square.livejournal.com/3179563.html. Please be advised that these comments represent defamation, libel, slander and sacrilege in the seventh degree, and are now included in my suit against everyone who's mentioned my name at least three (3) times ever, or anyone who's in the general proximity of something I don't like. You are currently one of the Doe defendants in this suit. When discovery is takes place, your identity will be revealed, as will your past and future comments from the Year of Our Lord 1647 to the year 3713 of the Common Era, and you will have be named in the lawsuit.

You may remove yourself from this suit by promptly deleting the infringing comments. Once you have done this, please contact me at removefromfrivolouslawsuitreallyipromise@asshat.me and I will totally never take legal action against you again, even though I've already been threatening legal action against people who already deleted their defamatory slander.

Please be advised that this letter is under double-secret probation copyright, and you cannot distribute or disclose it in whole or in part without the express written permission of the National Football League and the American Broadcast Corporation. In fact, you can't even think about it for more than thirty seconds at a time. Copyright is totally a magic bullet against anything I don't want. Copyright, copyright, copyright.

Govern yourself accordingly.

Signed,
Litigious M.F. Asshat

[lbmango.livejournal.com]

+1 internet.

[cos]

Humphrey T Cat may protest that he is a cat, not a doe.

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

Dear Mr. Asshat,

Meow. Meow miaow mow meow mow "accept your proposal" miaow meow "500 (five hundred) pounds of sushi-grade tuna" meow miaow mow mow.

Sincerely,
Humphrey T. Cat & Associate, Esq.

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

PS: <3. Thank you. The boys are ecstatic. :)

[crschmidt.livejournal.com]

+1

[bluesauce.livejournal.com]

Oh sweet merciful fates, I just snarfed Pepsi Next. The reduced sugar does not make it burn less. Expect my medical bills in the mail.

Signed,
The Wolverine of Drinking,

[infinitemorning.livejournal.com]

Sir:

I will have you know that I am represented by the honorable Sir Rhesus Q. Shitflinger, Esq., O.B.E., the finest monkey barrister ever produced by the advanced law zoos of Her Majesty's green and verdant land. He has informed me that, due to your ability to heal instantly from any injury inflicted in the process of drinking, you have clearly chosen not to exercise that option in this case, and your pain and suffering are due to your own negligence. Q.E.D., should you hold me liable, you will be compelled to appear before the court, and may face criminal penalties resulting in your incarceration in gaol. I am told that gaol is very like jail, except that prisoners are only served haggis, which is probably an improvement on American prison food. Regardless, you will likely find the experience unpleasant. I hope you like bagpipes.

I will also be filing a countersuit against you in the amount of five billion guineas. Should you wish to avoid further legal action, you should stuff $5000 dollars in unmarked bills into an unmarked paper bag and place it in the trash can on the south side of Nathan Tufts Park in Powder House Square at precisely 3:47 am on Tuesday, May 14th. This is totally a binding legal arrangement, I swear, and I absolutely will not call the cops and have you arrested for enjoying the park outside of the period between dawn and dusk.

I eagerly await your response.

Sincerely,
Litigious M.F. Asshat
Dictated and scrawled on a piece of bark in monkey shit but not read
I really need to stop hiring monkeys for everything

[lizzielizzie.livejournal.com]

+1 on "Govern yourself accordingly".

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

everyone who's mentioned my name at least three (3) times ever

in the future, teenage girls at sleepovers will dare each other to go into the bathroom, shut off all the lights, and light a single candle while staring in the mirror. They shiver as they meet their reflection's eyes and whisper, one name, three times. "JonMon. JonMon. JONMON!"

[cos]

Sometimes, if they do it just right, a letter will drop on them from the ceiling. The letter will inform them that they will be added to "Johnny's Angels" once discovery happens, but if they choose, they could avoid that by un-saying what they've just whispered, and not telling anyone about the letter or showing it.

[infinitemorning.livejournal.com]

Brava. Brava.

[audioboy.livejournal.com]

Does that make JonMon Hastur?

[kdsorceress.livejournal.com]

I was aiming more for Bloody Mary or Candyman, hence the "teenaged girls at sleepovers" comment. I think of Hastur as more of a "DnD nerds at sleepovers" kinda game.

~Sor